Heavy hearts.

Tonight we found ourselves with heavy hearts and feeling nauseous. I'm imagining the night before surgery is going to be horrible.  Its just the night before an MRI.  Ella knows she is getting an IV tomorrow in order to sleep through the MRI and she is not handling it well.   She is sleeping in our bed.

For me it's not her anxiety and tears over the IV, but knowing that tomorrow we will have more pictures of what's there and still we won't have a solid answer and the plot could still thicken, and we have to wait longer.

Seperation from the kids gives us both anxiety right now. I don't do well alone with my thoughts.......then I google.  Bad. Bad. Idea.  I told the doctor the other day I had not called to speak with the oncologist because I didn't want to go there yet in my head.  He told me he understood that an agreed it really wouldnt help right now anyway.  It makes sense to me that it's not cancer.

Sometimes I even find myself forgetting I'm having a baby in 12 days or less.  If I weren't pregnant I am pretty sure I'd be asking the doc for some calming drugs.  I hate this uneasy feeling that never ceases. Things are so normal, everyone is so healthy, talking back, fighting, running, playing, laughing...... But there's this thing....... When I remember its there I feel like someone punched me in the stomach.

In Sunday school today they taught the story of David and Goliath to the kids . Rudy told us the story in the car after we left (wish I had I on video, it was precious!) and it totally opened up dialog about bravery and how God will be with her tomorrow when she gets the IV.

The sermon for the grown-ups was about not focusing on the greatness of the problem and the human resources to fix it but instead focusing in th greatness of our God and His resources.  It's the waiting and downtime when everything happens, when our leaning on God's greatness occurs, and rather than being concerned with our own overwhelming thoughts we look to Him and He will provide.